If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
You Might Also Like
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.