I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
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I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.