I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
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Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/