Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
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Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.