Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
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The perfect label doesn’t exi-
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.