I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
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10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…