Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
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How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
*offers Batman cough drops*
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework