when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
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Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Happy Halloween 🎃
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad