Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
You Might Also Like
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
I’m calling the cops.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.