“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
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Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.