Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
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My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
what’s more important?
I need to get some bricks…
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Finished stitching this today 😇
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?