Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
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Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
I’M CRYINGGG
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
“what that mouth do?” complain
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.