ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
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A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
A leaf blower, but for people.
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.