Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
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lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.