Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
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A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
Why do meteors always land in craters?
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car