“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
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Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming