Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
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Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house