It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
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Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Every time.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*