[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
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An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.