Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
You Might Also Like
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.