Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
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How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
🤣🤣🤣
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.