“Ninja please” -Japanese people
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I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages