Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
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Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
“what that mouth do?” complain
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
just left a huge legacy in there
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.