My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
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Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.