them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
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The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
m’lady
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
need him
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.