Everyone’s family
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In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.