so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
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me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
And now we wait
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Every work meeting this week
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already