my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
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Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool