All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
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Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.