[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
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I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.