Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
You Might Also Like
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
You’ll be OK
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.