I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
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Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
The glockness monster
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.