ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
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4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
The point of your 20s
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.