Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
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video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’