I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
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Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.