You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
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If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home