Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
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Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.