I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
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6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
This why you should mind your business
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
Meat Cute
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”