Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
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Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.