Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
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My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.