Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
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My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.