friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
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My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.