I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
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Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Who comes up with this kinda stuff