I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
You Might Also Like
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Thanks to a fan for this one.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?