People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
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PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.