Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
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Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun