Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
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Saving my good tweets for marriage
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV