4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
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My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan