I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
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A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
no one likes gloating
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
pictures of spider-man
The struggle is real.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.