“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
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8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.